Here Yesterday, Gone Today – at Blair Park

Editor's note: It's hard to read in the photo, so here's a transcript (wording is the same, format slightly different).

SUPPLEMENTAL ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REVIEW

COMBINED NOTICE OF MODIFICATION TO DRAFT ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT (DEIR) AND NOTICE OF PUBLIC HEARINGS FOR THE MORAGA CANYON SPORTS FIELD PROJECT

PROJECT SPONSOR: Spendmor LLC, Project Liaison and General Contractor

REVIEW PERIOD: April 1, 2012 through April 2, 2012

PROJECT OBJECTIVE: Piedmont youth should not have to leave Piedmont to participate safely and securely in sports

PROJECT LOCATION: The Porject would be sited on the last remaining publically owned open space (8.2 acres) in Piedmont, and will convert it to the control of a private sports enterprise.

PROJECT DESCRIPTION: Phase I replaces 90% of the existing wildlife corridor and native oak woodland with 2 sports fields, to be covered with artificial turf, 2 asphalted parking lots with 66 stalls and a fenced dog park (which will be the only remaining natural soil on the site) for the exclusive use of Piedmont residents. Their dogs may also have use of the dog park. Any Native American bones found during clear-cutting and excavation will be donated to the dog park. Phase I also incorporates construction of a public bathroom facility for the exclusive use of Piedmont youth, their nannies, and security personnel (Nannies and security personnel that are not residents of Piedmont must register their palm prints and approved Gucci uniforms with the Piedmont Beautification Foundation, which is committed to the public and authoritative recognition that the City of Piedmont is blessed and its citizens are worthy of veneration). The Refreshments Concession is required to feature environmentally sustainably-harvested coffee beans as an environmental-impact mitigation. During logging, those trees identified as having nests of birds, squirrels or wasps will be tagged and will not be destroyed until the nestlings are old enough to feed on their own as certified by an accredited ornithologist. After logging, any bird or squirrel corpses expired from starvation will be donated to the Piedmont High School Taxidermy Club. Abandoned wasp nests will be collected by the local chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR) for their Alzheimer's Art and Basket-making Club.

PROJECT REVIEW: A Draft Environmental Impact Report (DEIR) has been prepared for the project under the exclusive direction of Spendmor to conform to the project objective. The DEIR analyzes potentially significant environmental impacts in the following categories: degradation from light pollution, noise pollution, hydrological impact, slope destabilization, traffic impacts, pedestrian safety, elimination of wildlife habitat of native species, claims of Native Americans, development aesthetics and impact on the existing neighbors, land use policy, rodent migrations due to excavation, and the incursion of undesirables from Oakland. With the exception of the incursion of undesirables, all of these impacts are unavoidable or less than significant, and will not be further studied. The incursion of undesirables will be mitigated by the conversion of Moraga Blvd to a toll road (tolls waived for registered and beatified Piedmont residents).

PUBLIC HEARINGS ON DEIR: The Piedmont City Planning Commission will conduct a public hearing on the DEIR on April 2, 2012, at 6:00 p.m. at an undisclosed location.

The City of Piedmont is hereby releasing this DEIR, finding it to be accurate and complete and ready for public review. Members of the Piedmont (only) public are invited to comment on the DEIR. Comments can be made at the public hearing described above or in writing. Please address all written comments to: Piedmont Beautification Foundation. Comments should be received no later than 4:00 p.m. on April 1, 2012. If you challenge the EIR or project in court, you may be limited to raising only these issues raised at the public hearing described above, or by being publically stoned in Walmart-brand leisure wear.

Date of Notice: April 1, 2012

We Are the 1 Responsible 1% (WARP)

Editor's note: It is perhaps relevant that April 1, 2012, was April Fool's Day. possibly a relic of the Roman Festival of Hilaria (celebrated on March 25) and the medieval Feast of Fools (Dec. 28).